Why Comparing Your Athlete to Others Backfires, Even When They Win the Comparison

The short answer. With a teenage athlete, any comparison can land as a negative, including the ones they win. “You’re better than her” can sound like “if I lose to her, you’ll be disappointed in me.” Take the other person out of the sentence, and say what you believe about your athlete instead.

How a compliment turns into pressure

When a comparison is made, a lot of teenage athletes will instantly see themselves as the negative in it. It does not seem to matter which way it points.

“You’re better than her” is meant as belief. What it can sound like, especially in the teenage years, is a standard they now have to live up to: if I lose to her, you’ll be disappointed in me.

The same goes for the quieter versions. Checking the other athlete’s ranking, rating or seed time. Noting who else is in the heat or the draw. Mentioning who they “should” beat. You care about the number. What they can hear is: if I lose to her, I’m not good enough.

Comparison matters to one person: the spectator

The only people who really care about comparison are the people who want to be entertained by the game. Who is ranked where, who beat whom, who is the favorite. That is a spectator’s view, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying it.

But what an athlete needs to care about in order to perform is very different from what a spectator cares about. And the more you compare, the more your athlete will compare. A parent who compares is being a spectator, and is teaching their athlete to be one too, in the middle of their own competition.

The answer is not “stop comparing”

So the goal is not to avoid something. It is to go and do something else: fill the space with belief. (The mind does far better with a do than a don’t, and that is as true for you as for them.)

Belief, the way we mean it, names something your athlete has or does, and has nobody else in the sentence.

What belief sounds like

Name a capability. “Your explosiveness and your acceleration are amazing to watch.”

Name how they carry themselves when it gets hard. “Your attitude, and how you hold yourself in the challenging moments, is exceptional.”

Take the opponent out of it entirely. “I don’t care who’s across the net or in the next lane. I know you.”

Say the simple one. “I love to watch you compete.”

Offer support and let them direct it. “What do you need from me?” (More on asking instead of telling.)

Notice that none of these is a ranking, and none of them can be lost on Saturday. That is the point. Belief built on a comparison lasts until the next result. Belief built on who they are and what they can do is still there when they walk off, whichever way it went.